The cock block.
It can happen anywhere, at any time; a bar, a kegger or your best friend’s birthday party. You never really see it coming. You’re chatting with a girl and things seem to be going well. You might discuss meeting up later, going on a date or even going home for one night of glory. It doesn’t matter, though — your chances are ruined no matter what.
Before you can close the deal, a friend, a buddy, her boyfriend, or, depending on the occasion, her father — steps in and ruins your fun. Congratulations, you’ve just been cock blocked.
The cock block happens to everyone, even the biggest man whores. In fact, you’ve likely participated in a cock block yourself.
Much like herpes, cock blockers always return, albeit in different forms. There is no sure-fire way to prevent their influence or eliminate their presence. Like rain, they are a fact of life and The Gazette is here to provide you with an umbrella.
Here are some tips to avoid and recover from a block on the battlefield:
Choose your friends wisely
Be careful with whom you head to the bars. There’s nothing worse than a supposed “buddy” stabbing your spine right before you make your final move.
With a simple, “He’s not really an astronaut” or “It’s not really that big, I’ve seen it,” all your prospects can disappear in a flash – like the flash of a hand grenade your buddy forgot to throw out of the fox-hole. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Scout your options
There’s nothing worse than heading into battle, only to realize your target has numerous secret allies. These hidden allies include, but aren’t limited to: the random brother, the boyfriend who just went to get a drink, the drunken housemate, and the grouchy bartender.
Survey before jumping into the fray. If you suspect he really isn’t her brother/boyfriend/father/cousin-twice-removed, you may have a whole different set of problems. Mainly, get rid of the trench coat and the creepy sunglasses.
Avoid the battalions
Lately, it seems girls invite every girl on her Facebook — and then some — out for a night on the town. This presents a conundrum; cock blocking is more likely when trying to take a female stronghold (in this case a bar booth) on your own.
Avoid the girl packs, who will undoubtedly sabotage each other’s efforts along with yours.
Remain alert at all times
Watch for passing threats including the “Shouldn’t we go to the washroom?,” “Who are you talking to?” and the fan favourite “get-the-fuck-away-from-my-friend-you-ass” gaze. All are classic cock blocks.
Utilize your wit to maintain some semblance of a professional veneer. Even in your drunken state, try having a little class. “Nice cleavage” doesn’t count as witty repartee. Neither does vomiting.
Relax and let the dust settle
Whatever you do, don’t dive in like an overzealous recruit. You’ll get shot down faster than a Canadian goose in a trailer park. It’s essential you realize every woman may not be interested in you.
Stick to your guns and hopefully things will work out. In the end, these are just preventative methods, like birth control, tetanus shots and cheap dandruff shampoo. Even the best of us get blocked.