In the spirit of our last issue before the holidays (and perhaps fuelled by spirits? You’ll never know...) we at The Gazette decided to forge a Christmas list of things we’d love to see at Western. If you’re scared, you probably should be.
Here goes nothing:
• No Sunday exams. No, let’s do it one better — no weekend exams.
• Every Western student supplied with their own personal taser for on-campus use.
• The McDonald’s Monopoly game to run all year, and Tim Hortons’ Roll up the Rim program to do the same, but only in biodegradable cups.
• More enthusiastic volunteers. Bonus if they are reliable and competent. Double-bonus if they fact check.
• Less salmonella!
• Cameras expertly placed in slippery areas on campus. That way, we could have a stunning outtakes/blooper video.
• Rocket skates for slow walkers on campus.
• Tear down the Social Science Centre and replace it with a building not so hard on the eyes.
• An automatic quote transcriber, so we didn’t have to sift through the litany of “uhh’s” “umm’s” and “like’s” from sources.
• Two Swedish masseuses on the payroll: one male, one female.
• Bill Waterson (creator of Calvin and Hobbes) at our disposal for the Graphics department
• The following are amendments for Rick McGhie nights: (a) a couple of new songs for Rick; (b) Bring back the $2.50 beers during Rick nights; (c) eliminate the “Die, die, die, die!” chant from Rick’s rendition of “American Pie”
• Cheaper eats at The Wave.
• A daily happy hour on campus. We’ll give all those physicians specializing in liver conditions something to do in 40 years.
• A half-pipe on University College Hill.
• Bring back the old Spoke. Most of you young bucks won’t remember it, but trust us: it was good.
• A Western faculty swimsuit calendar. Mee-yow.
• Two-for-one chicken curry, as well as a vegetarian curry option, available every day at the Spoke.
• A chill pill for King’s University College President Ryan Gauss.
• Tunnels between all the campus buildings. It’s hella cold out there.
• A permanent ceasefire (if not an outright peace) between Ivey students and the rest of Western.
• Mandatory bus etiquette classes given to first-year students; we could weed out those clowns that occupy a seat with their backpack or don’t think to move to the back of a crowded bus.
Happy holidays, Western. Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you in January.