In the spirit of our last issue before the holidays (and perhaps fuelled by spirits? You’ll never know...) we at The Gazette decided to forge a Christmas list of things we’d love to see at Western. If you’re scared, you probably should be.

Here goes nothing:

• No Sunday exams. No, let’s do it one better — no weekend exams.

• Every Western student supplied with their own personal taser for on-campus use.

• The McDonald’s Monopoly game to run all year, and Tim Hortons’ Roll up the Rim program to do the same, but only in biodegradable cups.

• More enthusiastic volunteers. Bonus if they are reliable and competent. Double-bonus if they fact check.

• Less salmonella!

• Cameras expertly placed in slippery areas on campus. That way, we could have a stunning outtakes/blooper video.

• Rocket skates for slow walkers on campus.

• Tear down the Social Science Centre and replace it with a building not so hard on the eyes.

• An automatic quote transcriber, so we didn’t have to sift through the litany of “uhh’s” “umm’s” and “like’s” from sources.

• Two Swedish masseuses on the payroll: one male, one female.

• Bill Waterson (creator of Calvin and Hobbes) at our disposal for the Graphics department

• The following are amendments for Rick McGhie nights: (a) a couple of new songs for Rick; (b) Bring back the $2.50 beers during Rick nights; (c) eliminate the “Die, die, die, die!” chant from Rick’s rendition of “American Pie”

• Cheaper eats at The Wave.

• A daily happy hour on campus. We’ll give all those physicians specializing in liver conditions something to do in 40 years.

• A half-pipe on University College Hill.

• Bring back the old Spoke. Most of you young bucks won’t remember it, but trust us: it was good.

• A Western faculty swimsuit calendar. Mee-yow.

• Two-for-one chicken curry, as well as a vegetarian curry option, available every day at the Spoke.

• A chill pill for King’s University College President Ryan Gauss.

• Tunnels between all the campus buildings. It’s hella cold out there.

• A permanent ceasefire (if not an outright peace) between Ivey students and the rest of Western.

• Mandatory bus etiquette classes given to first-year students; we could weed out those clowns that occupy a seat with their backpack or don’t think to move to the back of a crowded bus.

Happy holidays, Western. Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you in January.