Major: Marketing

Year: 250

With superstores offering awesome gifts such as the XBox 360, the former Xmas superstar has lost his renowned gift-giving edge. His solution? Slim down, slum around, and reconnect with the people.

“People will appreciate me again if they realize I’m no different than they are,” says the newly scrawny Mr. Claus. To complete his new look, St. Nick has replaced his traditional Christmas hat with a lovely red baseball hat. That, and he’s eating out of a bedpan. Ew.

Name: Holly Mistletoe

Major: Human Sexuality

Year: 69

Santa’s sexy new image includes ditching the dumpy old Mrs. Claus for a younger, dumber, hotter chicka.

Holly’s fashion favourites include red hooker boots and a short, practically non-existent skirt.

Her reason for skipping leotards in winter’s icy cold weather? “Pants make my legs look chunky,” giggles this itsy bitsy Santa sidekick.

Santa’s latest lady friend urges the young to bring back Santa’s greatness. “He knows how to please,” says Holly with a sly smile.

—Anna Coutts