and Anna “She” Coutts

Gazette Staff

Dear Gazette,

My boyfriend is a great guy, really kind and sweet, everything a girl could want — except he’s seriously lacking in the size department, if you know what I mean. Like as in, if penises wore clothes, he’d be shopping in Baby Gap’s premies section. Does The Gazette have any tips to help me learn to have sex with someone with an ant-like appendage?

—Empty inside at Elgin

He Said: Hee hee. Snicker. I actually thought the pygmy dick was a myth. But now that you mention it, I think I’ve sadly seen one or two, or 60 tiny pricks flip-flopping in not-baggy-enough track pants. I’m sure it was really cold out. Yeah, that was it. Anyways, my mind is as empty as your love-cavity. I guess there’s always a strap-on?

Really though, you’re wise to not drop him because of his lack of manhood. Chances are he’s been aware of his literal short-coming for some time, so he’s probably learned to make up for it. Given the chance, he could probably arrange for a raunchy meeting between his tongue and your clit. Let him bust that pea right out of its pod. As for pleasuring him, hope that his g-spot isn’t as hard to find as his minuscule member.

She Said: You poor, poor girl. My heart goes out to you; really, it does. Sadly, sometimes it really seems that the bigger the penis, the bigger the dick a guy is, and vice versa. It’s a seriously stressful dilemma — penis or personality?

While many people will tell you size doesn’t matter, these people probably never tried to have sex with a wee-ner. Because while people’s personalities can grow on you, unfortunately penises can’t grow into you. So it’s time you toss this boy-toy into the “just friends” club, and find yourself a straddle-worthy stick.