Federline not a Fed-Ex... yet: Word on the street is that skuzz-bag freeloader Kevin Federline received negative reviews after his upcoming hip hop album was leaked on the Internet. Apparently, even trashy wife Britney laughed when she heard his track “Y’all Ain’t Ready.”

Alien overlords hate Tom Cruise’s sister: In yet another classy move by famous media whore Tom Cruise has fired his long time publicist, who is also his sister. Tom threw his sister off Team Cruise last week and told her to hit the road. No one knows self-absorption like Tommy.

They like the name “Mucus”: Gwyneth Paltrow is pregnant with her and Chris Martin’s second child. The big question: what’s to come, name-wise? A fruit, a vegetable, maybe some sort of grain product? No matter what the couple decides, it’s probably best we don’t hear about it.

—Brian Gasparek