Dave “He #1” Picard

and Chad “He #2” Nevett

Gazette Staff

Dear Gazette,

This past Saturday, I partook in the kind of intoxicated mayhem I usually only achieve when indulging in a Red Bull and roofie binge. Anyways, it was a Halloween party, and I’m pretty sure a Darth Vader gave me the ol’ lightsaber. Should I feel dirty about my masked mischief, or chalk it up as just another trick or treat?

— Revenge of the Syphilis

He #1: Umm... if by “trick” you mean STD, and by “treat” you mean unwanted pregnancy, then chalk away. Hopefully the force was with you and your Sarlacc wasn’t completely corrupted by the dark side.

But something tells me that you might dress weird and sleep with strangers all the time, so maybe this out-of-character, non-slutty thought should be a sign to smarten up. Remember, random fornication is only fun until Roseanne Barr starts having sex. P.S. I hope you like the names Luke and Leia, since chances are he tossed some twins in you.

She: Did he look like Hayden Christensen? Was he good in bed? These are vital questions you need to ask yourself. After all, if it wasn’t any fun and he wasn’t good-looking, then you best start kicking your scantily- clad self.

As long as the trick didn’t involve the exchange of money for sex, and you used some kind of protection (and no, wearing a mask to hide your true slut-dentity does not count as protection), then consider yourself less slutty than the average hooker and lucky enough to have gotten such a ghoulishly good lay this weekend.

He #2: Holy shit, that was you? I’ve got to agree with my fellow advice-givers and call you a huge slut. I’ve met my fair share of slutty costumed chicks, but never have I encountered a pantyless Princess Jasmine... but considering your cliché stripper name, I should have suspected.

It’s funny you should write in worried about our little tryst, because I was worried about the consequences of putting my Mr. Big in your easily-accessable goodie bag. I’m glad I kept the wrapper on because who knows who else you let rub your magic lamp.