SPORTS
Answers to the intriguing
questions
JDB
Jordan Bell
Managing Editor
I've got a basketball jones, a basketball jones...
With the opening tip of the Philadelphia 76ers-Miami
Heat game Tuesday night, the NBA season commenced, much to the joy
of hoops fan everywhere.
The 2003/2004 season offers numerous story lines,
from the hype surrounding "King James," Cleveland Cavaliers
guard Lebron James, to the drama surrounding Kobe Bryan's pending
sexual assault trial.
The Gazette offers answers to the top five questions...
use at your own risk.
5. Who are the "Real" Toronto Raptors?
Fans in Toronto have been gnawing off their arms and throwing Vince
Carter bobblehead dolls at the TV screen while watching their beloved
Raptors choke the proverbial chicken. Everything was peachy keen
when the Raptors were one shot away from the Eastern Conference
finals. But after last season's Scary Season 1, the Raptors are
the laughingstock of the Great White North.
Heading into this season, the biggest question is: will the Raptors
contend in the East or are they really the 24-58 team of last season?
The answer is no and no.
The addition of rookie Chris Bosh (who weighs 110 pounds soaking
wet) and the recovery of scoring forward Lamond Murray will snag
the Raps more than 24 wins, but they will still be fighting for
a lower seed in the East.
Finally, there's the issue of Vince Carter. Is he the most overrated
athlete in sports as ESPN attested (Anna Kournikova was second)
or have injuries just kept him lame. The former is more likely and
unfortunately for Raps fans, at least Anna is hot.
4. Can Kevin Garnett finally get the T-Wolves past the first round
of the playoffs?
The Minnesota Timberwolves added Latrell Sprewell, Sam Cassell
and Michael Olowokandi to their roster this season. One likes to
choke old, bearded men; one wears diapers and sucks on a soother
and one was considered a "project" when he was picked
first in the NBA Draft years ago, yet is now... well, wearing diapers
and sucking a soother.
And then there is Wally Szczerbiak, who wears a diaper and sucks
on a soother. Do you notice a common theme here?
Good luck Kevin!
3. Can Dallas run and gun their way to the NBA title?
Mavs owner Mark Cuban has thrown some more pocket change at some
superstar basketball players to aid his cause of winning an NBA
title. Cuban and coach Don Nelson have made it perfectly clear they
don't care if their squad gets spanked like little school children
when they face the power and authority of Shaq and Tim Duncan, because
they will score, score and score some more "Christina Aguilera"
jumpin' in her knickers.
Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, Michael Finley, Antoine Walker and Antawn
Jamison: it's a fantasy league players' ultimate wet dream. But
will it get the job done come playoff time?
Hell no.
2. Can the Lakers reclaim their fame?
Oh Kobe, why couldn't you have just realized you had a smokin'
hot wife, a perfect life and played basketball for inordinate sums
of bling? Instead, you had to go and have a midnight rendezvous
with some young little lass, who probably whispered sweet nothings
in your ear.
The sexual assault allegations against Kobe not only shocked the
sports world O.J. Simpson-style, but destroyed the euphoria of signing
Karl Malone and Gary Payton. Once a guarantee to win the NBA title,
now the Lakers are in disarray.
Their dominant victory over the Dallas Mavericks on Tuesday night
was impressive, but it? almost certain the Hollywood egos on this
team will strike and send Jack Nicholson reeling. Shaq and Kobe
are already whining about "Who's the man?" and crazy shit
like that.
Hey Shaq and Kobe, I'm the man!... OK, maybe not, but I love watching
you guys make yourselves look like incompetent wankers.
1. Is Lebron James "King James" or "Queen James?"
Did you hear there's a pretty good rookie coming into the league
this year?
Yes, Lebron James is damn good and their hasn't been this much
hype for an athlete since I created the ultimate Jordan Bell in
NBA Live 2003 for Playstation.
Unfortunately for Lebron, I could shoot better than him in Grade
3.
It's obvious James is going to be an All-Star NBA player, but anointing
him the "Chosen One" already is a tad premature. There's
only one "Chosen One" and his name? Yinka Dare.
