SPORTS
Western Conference Rankings
1. San Antonio Spurs
Hey, guess what? Tim Duncan is good. Tony Parker is fast. Kevin
Willis could eat me. The Spurs are good at a lot of things and with
newly acquired Rasho Nesterovic, Hedo Turkoglu, Ron Mercer and Robert
Horry, the Spurs will be even better. Plus, we won't have to watch
David Robinson make a mockery of himself.
2. Los Angeles Lakers
If Kobe could've just kept lil' Johnny in the cage, we wouldn't
even be having a discussion about who would win the championship.
The drama surrounding the trial of Bryant and the bitching and whining
from the Lakers' four stars (Bryant, Shaquille O'Neal, Gary Payton
and Karl Malone) will stunt this team.
3. Dallas Mavericks
The Mavs loaded their roster like your grandpa loads his "gun"
with shots of Viagra. With the addition of Antawn Jamison and Antoine
Walker to an already potent starting line-up of Steve Nash, Dirk
Nowitzki and Michael Finley, the Mavs will win a lot of regular
season games. However, the Mavs winning the title is like me losing
a girth contest.
4. Sacramento Kings
The Kings are an extremely formidable bunch, but oftentimes they
play more like Queens than Kings. Chris Webber has been wearing
a skirt since his days at Michigan and Peja Stojakovic has been
too busy shooting 69 threes a game to realize defense isn't something
he only does when ball whores are chasing him.
5. Minnesota Timberwolves
Latrell Sprewell. Sam Cassell. Michael Olowokandi. Wally Szczerbiak.
Oh, the misery. On the other hand, Kevin Garnett: heavenly, just
heavenly.
6. Phoenix Suns
The Sun is rising, much like Amare Stoudemire's future contract.
Stoudemire, Stephon Marbury and Shawn Marion are quite possibly
the strongest threesome in the NBA today. Unfortunately, they could
substitute my elementary basketball team for the rest of their line-up
and not skip a beat.
7. Portland Trailblazers
Oodles of talent, but when you've hopped up on crack and weed every
game, it doesn't mean much.
8. Houston Rockets
Note to Steve Francis and Cuttino Mobley: pass Yao the God damn
ball!
And note to Jeff Van Gundy: take the pickle out
of your ass and shove it up Hakeem Olajuwon?...
-Jordan Bell
