Volume 96, Issue 22
Friday, October 4, 2002
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Last week found our beloved Gambling Man in the fiery hells of the city's drunk tank. As he surmised, his innate powers of pig-skin prediction faltered due to a lack of amber poison and tequila – much like spinach to Popeye, booze gives the gambler his special powers.
Now, back at his favourite bar stool, he hopes his traditional, irrational ranting on this weekend's National Football League match-ups will guide the masses to fortunes untold. In reality, he acknowledges his choices may lead stupid students everywhere to lose tremendous amounts of money.
Arizona @ Carolina – In many ways, the Arizona Cardinals
are like the classic sitcom I Dream of Genie. Jake Plummer, the team's
QB, is a lot like the genie – he's voluptuous, has a wardrobe comprised
of tight, pink clothing, lives in a bottle (at least after the team's
traditional Sunday afternoon losses) and is a bit of a trickster. Arizona
fans are kind of like that army guy who was the genie's master. Every
once and a while – last weekend for example – the fans wish
for a decent quarterback and Plummer delivers, playing with their minds
like the wily temptress he is. Every following Sunday, the fans wake up
and realize their sitcom sucks.
PICK: PANTHERS
St. Louis @ San Francisco – Injured Rams QB Kurt
Warner is a lot like the Little Mermaid, except she was a lot hotter.
Much like the way crazy Ursula stole the Little Mermaid's voice, the football
gods have stolen Warner's ability to throw a pass, his will to live and
his ability to leave his home in St. Louis without wearing a paper bag
over his head. Will the once mighty Rams avoid going to 0-5? Can crabs
speak English in a Cajun accent? No – they can't. Unfortunately,
the real world is not a cartoon – if it was, I'd get myself some
sweet mermaid lovin'.
PICK: 49RS
Green Bay @ Chicago – I know the Minnesota Vikings
mercifully have the week off, but the Packers and Bears are in their division
and I feel like taking shots at Randy Moss. To draw another analogy, Moss
is much like the arrogant, insufferable unicorn – his skill is tremendous,
much like the unicorn's beauty. For much of his life, Moss has been watching
Noah steer his ship away from the shore of the receiver's homeland –
which I like to call "Tit-Weasel Island." Goodbye Randy –
the rain is about to pour. In a related story, there were two bears on
Noah's ark and I have no idea what the hell a Packer is.
PICK: BEARS
Gambling Man's season record 11-3, last week (stupid sobriety) 1-2