Volume 96, Issue 35
Thursday October 31, 2002
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Wes Craven meets Western
In honour of Halloween's
frightful fun, The Gazette has compiled a list of horror movies
that could take place right here at Western:
Pedro Goes Postal – The Gazette's
garden gnome rebels against his human overlords, bringing himself to life
and using his tiny plaster rake to pick locks and spy on cute co-eds all
over campus. Eventually, the peeping escalates to some variety of bloodletting.
Sorority House Massacre – An argument over
a hottie from the frat house down the street gets out of hand. The tiff
progresses from a sexy pillow fight complete with the pulling of much
hair and ripping of many a baby T-shirt, into a bloody "B" film-esque
cat-fight.
Timmy Pulls Out – Due to strong-arm tactics
from the Coca-Cola Mafia Division, Tim Hortons closes all their outlets
on campus. Students are forced to confront peers and early morning classes
without the sweet flow of caffeine, which makes both tolerable.
Weekend at Ricky's – A student journalist
discovers that Rick McGhie has been dead for over a decade, a fact concealed
by a puppeteer/ventriliquist. Before long, that same student turns up
dead in the alley behind Christina's Pub with an acoustic guitar lodged
in his skull.
Dorm Mommy – A first-year student's mother
moves in with her for no clear reason, tragically crippling her daughter's
social and sex life. If that's not bad enough, Mom decides to bang the
poor girl's boyfriend. Yikes.
Librarians of Rage – The mild mannered
librarian shows the darkness within when students' overdue fines add up.
Victims appear with paper cuts, burns from photocopiers and hysterical
blindness from being forced to read The London Free Press at
high speed on a microfilm machine.
The Headless Figurehead – A French Knight in a lustrous
suit of armour appears on campus by night. It is the spirit of Dr. Paul
Davenport, decapitated in a duel over a sultry damsel centuries ago, restlessly
roving the spirit world.
Revenge of the Eng – Ghosts of "socially
challenged" former engineers wreak havoc on campus. Using their giant
calculators as shields and their protractors as weapons, the undead geeks
attempt to wrest power away from those who shunned them.
CentreSpot Spite – After several underachieving
students mysteriously disappear and the protein content of on-campus food
goes up, suspicions run high. It is discovered that a toothless cafeteria
woman has been cooking and serving the unfortunate students – at
grossly inflated prices, of course.
The Merge – Squirrelling away the student
fees everyone thought they were wasting, TV Western eventually manages
to buy out AOL/Time-Warner. As a result, all media outlets carry nothing
but USC meetings, O-Week vidoes and audio-visual club propaganda.
LETTERS